Tiger Tiger Woods Ya'll!

Tiger Woods was involved in a minor traffic accident this weekend, that is getting blown out of control. All I want to know is if it was a Buick, and if so, how well the safety features worked...

Booth Review: Comin' Back from the DL...

I would like to apologize to my large fan base for my nearly one year hiatus from blogdom. I got an actual job. But I’m back, snitches!

Steve Phillips, former bad GM of the Mets and current TV personality for ESPN, got a lot of heat this week for having an affair out of wedlock. But, the embarrassing part is the hideous she-woof he was sleeping with. This broad, Brooke Hundley, is not only super crazy, but she has a gullet. This lady sent threatening e-mails to his family, stalked his kids on Facebook and crashed her car into his house. She is a wild, ugly beast. And, knowing Steve, he probably traded his wife, two smokin’ hot babes and a prospect for the rights to her…

Despite my passion for New York Mets baseball, and the Yankee hatred that comes with that territory, I find myself rooting for the 2009 Yanks this postseason. I have tried to figure out why this change of heart has occurred, and I think I have hit on why I am rooting for the Empire. Here are the 5 reasons justifying me being on the Yankees bandwagon this postseason:

5. I Live in New York city- I grew up in upstate New York, but now I work in the center of the apple, and there of course is a different vibe here. I can’t get away from these Bronx Joeys, so I might as well embrace them.

4.The Mets Suck- Normally I beef with Yankee fans all season about who has a better team in NY, who has a better shortstop, etc., but this year we sucked so badly that the argument was killed by June. We were so terrible that Yankee fans even stopped rubbing it in by mid-July. So, come October, I don’t have the same bitter taste in my mouth or constant torment by the Yankee faithful. Makes it easier.

3. New Yankees- Aside from his stint with the Braves, I have always thought highly of Mark Tex and I’ve long been a C.C. fan. You’ve got to love his style; he’s an old fashion inning-eating work horse. By adding new guys that I had liked on their old clubs, I now distaste the Yankee roster significantly less. Johnny Damon still swings and throws like a girl. A girl that I hate.

2. A-Rod- I have always been a supporter of A-Rod as a Yankee, largely because Yankee fans hated him so much. Since this has indisputably been the year of A-Clutch’s domination, I get a small victory for that.

1. The Phillies- I hate Philly, The Phillies, Jason Werth, Sweet Hair Hamels and the rest those smug pieces of shit. As soon as Carpenter and Wainwright lost their bouts against the Dodgers, it seemed inevitable to me that no one in the NL would test the Phillies, and I think that Yankees have the best chance to stomp out their hopes in the World Series.

Damn Steve Phillips! Brooke Hundley? Looks more like Todd Hundley…

If you haven’t seen this story, in anticipation of their meeting on the gridiron this weekend, Chad Johnson and Jay Cutler have been tweeting smack talk between each other. Tweet beefing. Only two douche bags would do something like this...

Note: I am aware that Chad Johnson is no longer named Chad Johnson, and even broadcasters have pandered to this. I refuse to call him ‘Ocho Cinco.’ It’s just his number in a different language, and not even a dead or absurd language, its Spanish. I’m pretty sure more people speak Spanish then English. It’s fucking stupid.

Sure, Steve Phillips might have lost his wife, split his family and put his career at risk, but I bet it was all worth it to see the look on John Kruk’s face when he had to fork over that five bucks.

David Stern is often considered to be the best commissioner in all major American sports, but I would beg to differ on that front. First of all, I am very concerned that Mr. Stern is too attached to the idea of globalizing the league, literally, which I think would add length to an already too long season, and dilute the competition. I also don’t know if the foreign audience would like to adapt from the fast paced international game to the more set NBA style. Risky. But, that is not why I bring up David Stern. The NBA has had a rebirth in the past few years and is in a position now, with its young stars, to really take off. With that said, its peculiar to me why Stern would choose to open up the NBA season on the same day as game 1 of the World Series. Football can battle for ratings with the MLB postseason, but if the NBA thinks it can, it is sorely mistaken. If the NBA wants huge opening day numbers, which I’d assume they do, they would be better off having their opening night be a bridge from game 1 to game 2 of the series. It seems to me that this scheduling move was either an oversight by the league office, or an ego move by David Stern that is sure to backfire.

Well, The Phillies and Yankees may win the pennant this year, but it looks like Steve Phillips certainly took down the ‘Wild Card.’ Crazy bitch. I will say this about her crashing her car into the Phillips' house: Steve has always preached that you gotta go hard into home. Call her nuts, but dont you dare say she isn't fundamentally sound...

Did you know they made a movie about "Where the Wild Things Are?" It used to be a book.

Call to the Bull Pen...

After 30 years in the booth John Madden is retiring from the Sunday Night Football broadcast team. I can’t wait to play Joe Buck Football 2010…

Greg Paulus, four year guard at Duke, will compete for the starting QB job at Michigan as a graduate student. In a related story, Greg Paulus evidently choose the wrong sport coming out of High School. In another related story, Greg Paulus will definitely not win the Michigan quarterback job. On a related side note, congratulations to Greg Paulus for getting into the prestigious Grad program at Michigan; he may actually have a future in something after all.

Did anyone else notice that John Madden’s retirement has come in the same offseason as one Brett Farve? I guess Madden realized he didn’t have anything to talk about anymore…

The NBA playoffs are about to start, and it seems that the Cavs and the Lakers are destined to meet. With Manu out for the Spurs in the West and KG perhaps out in the East, there is no excuse for these two teams not to reach the finals. Unfortunately, there is also no excitement up until the championship. Hopefully someone like the Magic or Jazz can step up and add some tension into these playoffs.

A couple replacements for Madden that are rumored to be floating around:

1. Bill Maher- Given the success that cocky, political, condescending comics have had in the past he seems like a sure fire winner.

2. Barak Obama- Have you heard about this guy? Apparently he’s a great speaker. I dunno if hes gunna get the job, but i sure hope he does...

3. Michael Strahan- I love Stray and he will definitely have free time after his terrible sitcom gets canceled. I give it three episodes.

4. Terry Bradshaw- Al Michaels and a blabbering idiot seems to be NBC’s recipe for success, so why not stick to the script?

There is nothing better than baseball season. Spring is in the air and your team plays pretty much every single day. This year I can really feel it for the Mets. With a new stadium and the spirit of Jackie Robinson in their favor, they can’t be stopped. Black history isn’t just a month for the 2009 New York Mets, it’s a way of life.

Hulk Hogan said that as a result of his divorce he can relate to O.J. Simpson. By that he obviously means that his ex-wife took half his memorabilia in the divorce and he wants it back. To his credit, that is a fair point. Oh, and he also means that he wants to stab her multiple times with a knife until she dies…

Of course O.J. wasn’t guilty so its inappropriate to act as though he was. You know what they say, ‘Never assume, it makes you look like a dick.’

Team of the week? The Pittsburgh Pirates. Its been a long time since anyone has said, 'man, we are really having trouble beating these pirates, they're killin' us.' Just take it at face value and enjoy it, Nate Mclouth.

The Weak that Was...

As I sit and watch Pitt lose, I now have now lost 3 of my final 4, my runner-up and my national champion. I really thought that this was gunna be the year...

I want to see the conversation an eighteen year old has with his father once hes made this life choice:
"Dad, I know what I want to do with my life."
"Let me guess son, Doctor?"
"No, father."
"Lawyer, like me?" (Turns towards the hallway) "Cheryl, come in here! Derek is telling me he wants to follow in my foot-"
"No, father, I dont want to be a lawyer. Gosh, you never listen."
(The father looks back, disappointment and embarrassment on his face) "Well, then what?"
"I have decided I am going to be bracketologist."

The NBA is in great hands with thier next generation of stars, Lebron, D. Howard, D. Wade and CP3. Watching how good these guys are on the court and how good they are off the court has further evidenced my long standing feeling that Micheal Jordan got away with being kind of a huge dickhead throughout his career just because he was so good at the game. I am sure A-Rod has noticed that too.

If there was a fantasy wiffle ball league on yahoo, I am pretty confident I would be owned by at least 18% of fantasy owners...

I am getting sick and tired of everyone talking about how there are no Cinderellas in this years tourney and how it is ruining it. First of all people are talking about how there is no longer any parody, when only 2 or 3 years ago everyone was talking about how the parody in NCAA basketball was unparalled in this era of the one-and-done player. Also, if there is a classic Cinderella story every year doesnt that water down the taste a bit? Isn't rarity a key facet in what makes a Cinderella a Cinderella? And call me crazy, but I like seeing good teams play good teams.

I was talking with A-Rod about his alleged fling with Madam Kristen Davis who spent time in prision for running the same hooker ring that brought down the former New York Governor just last year. A-Rod admitted to me that he did indeed "hit that like an inside fastball" and that he "had her bent over like she was fielding a grounder." We laughed, as we often do, and then I asked the tough question. I said "Al, how was the head, does she swallow?"
"Unfortunately," he responded, "Shes a spitzer."

Well, The WBC happened again. I see the 'world,' and the 'baseball,' I am just waiting for it to be 'classic.'

I want to get dunked on by Patrick Chewing...

Booth Review: The Weak that Was

The A-Rod steroid situation, Here are my thoughts: First of all, bummer. This is not good for the game, A-Rod was supposed to re-re-write the record books and clean out all the ‘roid records. It is unfortunate that he juiced. With that said, he had what I thought was a great, candid interview, in which he claims he did ‘roids for three years while in Texas. For all the people who say A-Rod is a coward, at least he has the balls, and the smarts, to admit it, and I give him tremendous credit for admitting three years of use when he could be left it at one. And, if it is true that those were his only juicing years, then we can look at the numbers to see how this affected his game. Keep in mind that unlike Bonds, A-Rod was in his prime and not having his most productive years at a time when he should have been declining. Comparing the averages of A-Rod’s three tainted years with his best three Yankee years:
Rangers- .305 BA 132 RBI and 52 HR
Yankees- .312 BA 130 RBI and 46 HR
A-Rods three years in Texas were his three most consecutively productive, but not by much. These numbers are virtually the same. I am not saying he wasn’t cheating, but I do believe, if he is telling the truth now, that it is a mute point. There is statistical proof to back up the fact that Alex Rodriguez did not overly benefit from his use of ‘performance enhancers.’ If anything, take away 18-36 homers from his career stats, test him often, and lets move on. He'll beat Bond's record by more then 36.

Or, if you want, take away all 156 he hit in Texas. He will still end up with over 600 clean home runs.

So, in terms of the hall of fame, I believe he certainly deserves it. Yes, he cheated, but then he realized that was a bad idea and he stopped. And for those who claim that he didn't admit it until he was confronted, yeah, of course not. Why would anyone willingly bring all of this controversy upon himself. He realized he was doing something dumb and he stopped (allegedly). If that's the case that's all you should ask for. And, to those who say he can't go to the hall because his career is tainted, those years are not going to make up half of his career, or even a third. Those three seasons will account for 1/7 of his career, which will have hall of fame numbers throughout it. This is a nation of second chances, I would like to see A-Rod get one.

One more point and I'll move on. Many claim he should get his MVP award from Texas taken away. That's fine, he still has two clean ones. And, if your taking away MVPs from steroid users then take away Juan Gonzalez's 1996 award and give it to the second place vote getter, which happens to be A-Rod. If you take away one of his 'tainted' ones, then you have to concede him an additional clean one.

IN OTHER NEWS:

Kellogg’s has dropped Michael Phelps as a spokesman. There go all his free munchies…

The Real LT, Lawrence Taylor is going to do dancing with the stars. They were going to fill his spot with Joe Theisman, but he still can’t dance…

Which is more impressive, Ben Roethlisberger winning the Super Bowl with broken ribs or A-Rod hitting 57 homers with shrunken balls? Unh, got ‘em!

Curt Shilling is really obnoxious and annoying. I hope this list of the other 103 players comes out and hes on it. Twice.

This years Pro Bowl was won by Eli Manning and the NFC. The NBA All Star team in the East is better then the West. All signs point to the NL finally beating the AL in an All-Star game. Sounds like home field advantage in the World Series for The New York Mets.

Pop Star and Doublemint gum spokesman, Chris Brown, has been arrested for assaulting former fling and Queen of Foreheads, Rihanna. Apparently Aramis Rameriez isn't the hardest hitter at Wrigley after all...

When Tim Kurkjian got the inside scoop on the steroids, do you think he ran to his friend’s house really fast and tried to trade all his A-Rod cards?
“Hey Donald, I’ll trade you this sick A-Rod on the Rangers for that Sizemore and a Jose Reyes?”
“What? Really Tim? Why, do you have doubles or something?”
“No doubles, I swear!”
“Fine, if I can keep the case.”
“Ugggh! Fine, black black no trade backs!”

Happy Valentines Day, ladies. You know Brix Daddy cares if ain't nobody else care.

Booth Review: Super Bowl Post Game Party

First of all congrats to Steeler Nation. That Super Bowl had ‘forgettable’ written all over it, but the fourth quarter was epic. I gained a lot of respect for the Cardinals and by the end of the game I found myself rooting for both teams.

To people who claim that game was better than last years, shame on you. That game could have ended on a blocked 20-yard field goal return in triple overtime and it wouldn’t have been better. Last year’s game had the heightened circumstances and was a great game for four quarters . This game had no intrigue or build-up and had a boring, non-competitive feel throughout the middle. Great, great ending, but it was no 17-14 G over the 18-1 Pats.

One thing that was unfortunate about this Super Bowl is it gave the media a chance to reintroduce their favorite story of all time: 'Kurt Warner grocery store hero.' Everyone knows this story, Warner was stacking cans in a grocery store in Iowa before getting his chance with the Rams. What people seem to over look is that Warner was like 28 years old with a college degree and was still stacking cans at the grocery store. The guy couldn’t rise up to manager, or even register? At a grocery store in the middle of Iowa? The can stacking position is usually reserved for the 16 year old acne faced doofus who can’t control his boners. Kurt has come a long way.

Speaking of coming a long way, Kurt Warner’s wife looked really sexy during the game. That was the same chick who styled her hair like the Russian from Rocky 4 when he won his Super Bowl with the Rams. And he was married to her before he became a star. I guess he wasn’t just stackin’ cans, he was also baggin’ hunnies...

Big Ben is the 3^rd best QB in football, and the best QB taken in that 2004 draft class. Eli needs to step his goddamn game up.

The only thing better than watching Scott Boras get screwed because he thought he was above the economy would be watching it happen to ratty Drew Rosenhaus. Now, though, the Mets have no excuse not to get Manny. Get Manny.

Michael Phelps smokes weed and America is bugging out. I on the other hand, already had him pinned as a weed head. First of all he’s obviously lazy and lacks drive. Also, I heard he steals money from his Grandmother’s purse and plays hooky from school to toke reefer…

I am going to the Knicks v. Lakers game tonight, or as I like to call it the David Lee vs. Kobe rivalry. It’s a pretty hot ticket only made hotter by the fact that it’s free. Prediction: Kobe drops 82, Knicks win on a buzzer beater.

Remember that story that ran during the Olympics about Michael Phelps’ daily breakfast of “three sandwiches of fried eggs, cheese, lettuce, tomato, fried onions and mayonnaise, add one omelet, a bowl of grits, and three slices of french toast with powdered sugar, then wash down with three chocolate chip pancakes.” That sounds like the real breakfast of champions, after a nice wake-n-bake.

In other news Barak Obama has been President for two weeks and there is still no World Peace. Wtf yo?

The First BOOTH REVIEW of the New Year...

The New York Giants have caught playoff fever. Unfortunately for the Eagles they’re about to catch the Bird Flu. LETS GO G!

The Celtics have lost something like 6 of their last 8 games after their incredibly hot start. Many people have blamed the age of the Big Three, claiming fatigue has set in. I blame Stephen Marbury. Starbury is such a huge pathetic loser that even the thought of having him on your team makes you suck.

The Oakland Athletics re-signed their former MVP 1^st baseman Jason Giambi this week. First of all, Holiday and the Giam-bino make this the biggest off-season the A’s have had in my memory, and form a pretty solid middle of the order out West. Also, I got to thinking: the three best players in A’s history, Giambi, Canseco, and McGuire, not only had their primes in Oakland, but are also 3 of the 5 faces on the Mount Rushmore of the Steroids Era (with Bonds and the Rocket of course). Are Billy Bean and the A’s playing Money Ball out there, or Shrunken Ball?

I cannot believe NBC. First of all they have the worst team on NFL pre and post game television, which is amazing because FOX literally has a retard and an elderly version of the Frisch’s Big Boy on staff in Terry Bradshaw and Jimmy Johnson. Their mahogany set is a bit snobby but expectable until you team it with Tiki Barber and Keith Olbermann, the two smuggest men on the planet. Tiki Barber is such a huge dickhead that it has actually begun to manifest itself physically. In other words, he looks like a penis with a great set of teeth. But that’s beside the point. This week NBC brought in as their special analyst Matt Millen, the undisputed and factually backed worst mind in NFL history. Millen is the brains behind the Machine that was the 0-16 Lions, as well as all the shitty teams they have had in prior years. Not only that, but he is notoriously bad, even casual fans know who Matt Millen is and how much he doesn’t know about football. He was the worst GM in city of Detroit in the last 10 years, which, if you watched any of the auto bailout hearings, is saying something. The only exec worse then Matt Millen is the guy at NBC who brought him in to be an analyst.

Fact: three years ago two teams, the Browns and the Jets, picked off fruits of the Bill Belichick tree as head coaches when they hired the defensive minds of Romeo Crennel and Eric Mangini. Fact: Three years later they both were fired with losing records. So what the fudge are the Browns doing picking Mangini off the scrap pile? He is the same thing they just threw out.

The Texas v. Ohio St. was a great game, one that the Buckeyes should have won. Although they lost, that game was a victory for the Big 10 because there are two things that you cannot say following that game: The 12-1 Texas Longhorns don’t deserve a shot at the national championship, and the Ohio State Buckeyes were too slow and over matched for the pass-happy Big 12. As far as losses go, that was a positive one. On a side note though, Pryor is an awful passer. Like really bad.

The National Championship game is tonight, I got Florida. Then again, I have lost 80% of my bowl selections this season and I'm dead last in my Uncle's 50 person pool.

Shout outs: Pacman Jones- keep ya head up homie. President Elect Obama- Jan. 20th is like the Superbowl parade of American politics, and I wanna be there. Joey Boges- He was at A-Rod's 500th HR too, didn't boo. Chad Pennington, former king ball security. THE 2008-2009 NYG- DO IT BIG! FUCK THE EAGLES! TJ DeFilippo- My boy's uncle or something is the idiot who fired the coach at B.C. for interviewing for a better job. Good luck hiring another elite coach, buddy. Also, to my boys at whathappenedtopride. Check out this link for my blog and other classic and insightful postings.